Thanks for making it this far.

We made it to '08. Now what? As a youngster I perceived so many things to be "different" in 2008.

Where are the hover cars? Why can't we teleport from place to place yet? Why haven't we started building our colony on Mars!?!

The actualization of these failed notions was more than a bit frustrating to me when I woke up this morning. I went to sleep last night thinking GOD would do her magic overnight and make these farfetched hopes become realities for '08. Alas, to no avail.

Instead we're still getting excited about cars that get anything north of 35 mpg. We're still bickering and killing each other over religious beliefs. There are still corrupt politicians. Americans are still gun obsessed. Our favorite color is still green. And someway, somehow Britney Spears is still relevant.

Damn. Where did we fail my friends?

The truth is that we haven't failed. I'm here to usher in a new day. A day where we will celebrate with milkshakes, hugs, frequent flyer mileage, You Tube, text messages, fake meat and DVD box sets. All that truly matters in this Godforsaken country we call home.

This self-enclosed Utopia will begin with these resolutions for 2008:

-Be "cooler" than I was in 2007

-Listen to everything Steven Colbert says...and do it blindly

-Avoid the sun as much as possible (skin cancer's gonna be big in '08--I can feel it!)

-Make February 29, 2008 the best goddamned day of the year (Leap Years don't happen very often people)

-Motto for 2008: "It is what it is." (Redundancy will be cool in '08)

-Really get behind Mexico this year. With a little help, I think our neighbors can have a "career" year.

-Finish all of those David Lynch films I fell asleep during.

-Beets. Nuff said.

-Find Amy Winehouse and get matching tattoos. (I'm thinking Monarch Butterfly tramp stamps!)