If I ever show less than due respect for all that has been granted to me please smack the smile off my face. So many of us are more than fortunate to live the lives we do. So many of us don't relish the idea that we have it better than the generation before us. Confidence and expectation of achieving goals is one thing but arrogance and profligacy is another. There's a thin line between talking and gloating.
Egos are devilish in the tales they tell--beware.
I'll take this moment to give a shout out to my mom and dad. They keep it real.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
What is SF Made of?
Pot.
Does SF always smell like pot?
Yes.
My friend visiting from Brooklyn this past week pointed out the obvious:
"I smell weed everywhere yo."
Yes. Yes you do.
Welcome to SF!
Next time a bum asks you for a quarter and follows it up with "Godbless you.", utter these words scathingly.
"Get it together, grouch."
Does SF always smell like pot?
Yes.
My friend visiting from Brooklyn this past week pointed out the obvious:
"I smell weed everywhere yo."
Yes. Yes you do.
Welcome to SF!
Next time a bum asks you for a quarter and follows it up with "Godbless you.", utter these words scathingly.
"Get it together, grouch."
28
When I was a kid 28 seemed farther away than Mars. I thought that I'd be married, with the 2.5 kids, Astrovan, dog named Sir Wesley Tittlesworth III, a house and all the relative acoutrements.
Alas, my 28th birthday has come and gone and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't have all the aforementioned "items" and I'm not seeking them anytime soon.
Basically, there's nothing sexy about 28. It's divisible by 7 and 4. The numbers added together equal 10. There's nothing granted to you at your 28th birthday accept a one-way ticket on the bullet train to 30.
Hippies and musicians would like to point out the magical mystical phenomenon of Saturn's Return, and the fact that 27-30 is the vicinity of change; that last bit of postponed adolescense. Am I supposed to have some freak out this year?
Last year was the year of change. I picked up and moved to SF. Now I'm 8 months in trying to find that niche.
I'm happy with my life. Happier than I've been in recent memory. I may be pragmatic but my life's not conventional in the eyes of many around me...and for that I cast a sigh of relief. There's always gonna be room for exploration and self-development if I realize this and seek it out. Kinetic energy was once potential energy.
Enough with the rambling, let's do a list!
Phrases that Imply You're Getting Older
-"Turn that down."
-"Do I need glasses?...Fuck."
-"Goddamn teenagers! Pull your pants up."
-"Sex, sex, sex. It's all about sex! Doesn't anyone even read?"
-"One time, I was playing Duck Hunt on Nintendo..."
-"I'm so over Myspace and Facebook right now."
-"Rap music is dead."
-"My left elbow is achy, you know what that means...it's gonna rain tomorrow."
-"Ouch." (uttered pathetically at least once daily)
-"This is the latest I've stayed up in a while!"
-"I had a Cross Colors t-shirt!"
-"OOOH a 401k Plan! Phat!"
-"When I was your age..."
Alas, my 28th birthday has come and gone and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't have all the aforementioned "items" and I'm not seeking them anytime soon.
Basically, there's nothing sexy about 28. It's divisible by 7 and 4. The numbers added together equal 10. There's nothing granted to you at your 28th birthday accept a one-way ticket on the bullet train to 30.
Hippies and musicians would like to point out the magical mystical phenomenon of Saturn's Return, and the fact that 27-30 is the vicinity of change; that last bit of postponed adolescense. Am I supposed to have some freak out this year?
Last year was the year of change. I picked up and moved to SF. Now I'm 8 months in trying to find that niche.
I'm happy with my life. Happier than I've been in recent memory. I may be pragmatic but my life's not conventional in the eyes of many around me...and for that I cast a sigh of relief. There's always gonna be room for exploration and self-development if I realize this and seek it out. Kinetic energy was once potential energy.
Enough with the rambling, let's do a list!
Phrases that Imply You're Getting Older
-"Turn that down."
-"Do I need glasses?...Fuck."
-"Goddamn teenagers! Pull your pants up."
-"Sex, sex, sex. It's all about sex! Doesn't anyone even read?"
-"One time, I was playing Duck Hunt on Nintendo..."
-"I'm so over Myspace and Facebook right now."
-"Rap music is dead."
-"My left elbow is achy, you know what that means...it's gonna rain tomorrow."
-"Ouch." (uttered pathetically at least once daily)
-"This is the latest I've stayed up in a while!"
-"I had a Cross Colors t-shirt!"
-"OOOH a 401k Plan! Phat!"
-"When I was your age..."
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
RVA...where we don't play
This is for anyone who lives in Richmond, Virginia, has ever lived in Richmond, has ever visited Richmond, ever plans to visit Richmond, knows anyone who already lives in Richmond, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Richmond .
Richmond is composed mostly of one-way streets and many have huge, high bridges that are there just to improve the view. The only way to get out of downtown Richmond is to turn around and start over when you reach Raleigh, North Carolina.
All directions start with, "Go down the Expressway" and include the phrase, "When you see the big church." except in Henrico County, where all directions begin with, "Go to the Waffle House."
Richmonders only know their way to work and their way home, and the way to at least two different Ukrop's stores. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you over to the Expressway.
Richmond was the Capital of the Confederacy. Many people think it still is. If you can find Monument Avenue, you will know which direction you are traveling, because all the monuments to the heroes of the War Between the States are facing north. (They're ready for the next invasion of those heathen Yankees)
There's never a crowd at Richmond International Airport, even at Thanksgiving or Christmas, but you can't go anywhere directly from there. You have to go to Charlotte first. Otherwise, it's a lovely place to spend an afternoon.
Morning rush hour is from 7:00 to 8:30 AM. The evening rush hour is from 4:00 to 5:30 PM except on Friday, when rush hour starts at 3:00 and lasts until 5:00 PM. By then, everyone is already at home.
Only a native of Richmond can pronounce Powhite Parkway correctly, so don't try. People will simply tilt their heads to the left and stare at you. Actually, even the natives have several different pronunciations, so don't worry about it.
Natives also refer to "the Nickel Bridge," or "the Dime Bridge," depending on how old they are. In any case, the toll at that bridge has been twenty five cents for years now, and was just recently raised to fifty cents. If you want people to think you know what you are talking about, just mention "the Nickel Bridge."
One raindrop falling causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week.
Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper and beer.
The speed limit in most of Richmond is 45 mph. However, most people drive at approximately 30 mph. No one in Richmond is ever in a hurry to get anywhere, and when traffic lights change, no one moves for a few minutes. Don't get impatient and toot your horn to wake up the driver of the car in front of you at the light, because that will only cause every driver in the vicinity to wait even longer before going forward. This is no lie. In Richmond, no one knows what the car horn is for. Don't toot yours.
Also, when you are trying to enter a main road from a side street, be patient. No one will move to the farthest lane or slow down to let you in. In fact, this may be the only time some Richmonders will drive faster than 30 mph.
You know you are in the "Real South" because the directional markers on highways will be marked East and West but you will be going North or South. The locals don't worry about such things, because they identify their location by buildings or where their friends live. The building they tell you to look for may have been torn down 40 years ago, but locals know where it was, and that's good enough.
Also, you need to know where you live when you need a repairman for anything, because if you live "on the South Side," no servic e people or repairmen will travel there to work for you, even if they have had no work for weeks. If you live in the West End, or in "the Fan," those same service and repair people will double charge you. That makes up for their lack of willingness to travel to the "South Side."
Never buy a ladder or mattress in Richmond. Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Virginia. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Virginia, along with a couple no one has seen before.
If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites.
If you notice a vine trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape before you are completely captured and covered with Kudzu, another ill-advised "import," like the Carp, Starling, English Sparrow, and other 'exotic wonders'.
"Fixinto" is one word (I'm fixinto go to the store).
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2 years old.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
"Momma-nem" means: How's Mother and all of the other children and other members of the family doing.
Richmond is composed mostly of one-way streets and many have huge, high bridges that are there just to improve the view. The only way to get out of downtown Richmond is to turn around and start over when you reach Raleigh, North Carolina.
All directions start with, "Go down the Expressway" and include the phrase, "When you see the big church." except in Henrico County, where all directions begin with, "Go to the Waffle House."
Richmonders only know their way to work and their way home, and the way to at least two different Ukrop's stores. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you over to the Expressway.
Richmond was the Capital of the Confederacy. Many people think it still is. If you can find Monument Avenue, you will know which direction you are traveling, because all the monuments to the heroes of the War Between the States are facing north. (They're ready for the next invasion of those heathen Yankees)
There's never a crowd at Richmond International Airport, even at Thanksgiving or Christmas, but you can't go anywhere directly from there. You have to go to Charlotte first. Otherwise, it's a lovely place to spend an afternoon.
Morning rush hour is from 7:00 to 8:30 AM. The evening rush hour is from 4:00 to 5:30 PM except on Friday, when rush hour starts at 3:00 and lasts until 5:00 PM. By then, everyone is already at home.
Only a native of Richmond can pronounce Powhite Parkway correctly, so don't try. People will simply tilt their heads to the left and stare at you. Actually, even the natives have several different pronunciations, so don't worry about it.
Natives also refer to "the Nickel Bridge," or "the Dime Bridge," depending on how old they are. In any case, the toll at that bridge has been twenty five cents for years now, and was just recently raised to fifty cents. If you want people to think you know what you are talking about, just mention "the Nickel Bridge."
One raindrop falling causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week.
Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper and beer.
The speed limit in most of Richmond is 45 mph. However, most people drive at approximately 30 mph. No one in Richmond is ever in a hurry to get anywhere, and when traffic lights change, no one moves for a few minutes. Don't get impatient and toot your horn to wake up the driver of the car in front of you at the light, because that will only cause every driver in the vicinity to wait even longer before going forward. This is no lie. In Richmond, no one knows what the car horn is for. Don't toot yours.
Also, when you are trying to enter a main road from a side street, be patient. No one will move to the farthest lane or slow down to let you in. In fact, this may be the only time some Richmonders will drive faster than 30 mph.
You know you are in the "Real South" because the directional markers on highways will be marked East and West but you will be going North or South. The locals don't worry about such things, because they identify their location by buildings or where their friends live. The building they tell you to look for may have been torn down 40 years ago, but locals know where it was, and that's good enough.
Also, you need to know where you live when you need a repairman for anything, because if you live "on the South Side," no servic e people or repairmen will travel there to work for you, even if they have had no work for weeks. If you live in the West End, or in "the Fan," those same service and repair people will double charge you. That makes up for their lack of willingness to travel to the "South Side."
Never buy a ladder or mattress in Richmond. Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Virginia. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Virginia, along with a couple no one has seen before.
If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites.
If you notice a vine trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape before you are completely captured and covered with Kudzu, another ill-advised "import," like the Carp, Starling, English Sparrow, and other 'exotic wonders'.
"Fixinto" is one word (I'm fixinto go to the store).
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2 years old.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
"Momma-nem" means: How's Mother and all of the other children and other members of the family doing.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Tax Season
Damn. A botched shoe order and transaction has caused me to have to venture to the USPS immediately after work today. The reason for the "Damn." is that its the penultimate day to file tax returns.
Damn.
I imagine to walk into the Post Office and hear screaming women and children, flames upon flames billowing out of the entrance, blood...blood everywhere, stamps falling from the sky like feathers after the final blow has been struck in an epic pillow fight, I expect the walls to be tattooed with graffiti reading "FUCK DA IRS".
Yeah, that's what I expect. Hell on Earth.
Wish me luck. All I wanna do is mail my package back to SoCal so I can get the right shoes.
Damn.
Damn.
I imagine to walk into the Post Office and hear screaming women and children, flames upon flames billowing out of the entrance, blood...blood everywhere, stamps falling from the sky like feathers after the final blow has been struck in an epic pillow fight, I expect the walls to be tattooed with graffiti reading "FUCK DA IRS".
Yeah, that's what I expect. Hell on Earth.
Wish me luck. All I wanna do is mail my package back to SoCal so I can get the right shoes.
Damn.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Lesser Known Alternatives to MUNI
-HHRS (Homeless Hippie Rickshaw Service)-Dog-propelled skateboard
-Helicopter + Skydiving = No traffic!
-Gypsy taxicabs
-Piggy-backing on Marathon runners during their training runs ("This will help you in the long run, trust me...that's a pun!")
-Carjacked K.I.T. from Knight Rider
-Hanging out/Teleporting with Hiro from "Heroes" ("Thanks Hiro. You're always on time.")
-Me and Godzilla are tight
-Hang gliding from Twin Peaks
-Posing as a UPS overnight package
-"I know Gavin Newsom."
Fuck ESPN
The four letter has solidified it's status as the "MTV of Sports Channels". Instead of showing the all important 2nd leg of the Champions League Quarterfinals today they're showing Sportscenter and Basketball. Man U v. Roma couldn't even make ESPN 2.
Damn. Shame on you ESPN. No, actually...Fuck You ESPN.
Through my college years they'd put the CL games on ESPN 2 meanwhile showing Poker or Billiards on the Mother channel. I never understood this--spitting in the face of the American Soccer Fan.
Now you have to spring for ESPN Deportes just to catch the games in Spanish/at all. ESPN Classic is useless 90% of the time why don't they put the games on there?
ESPN is missing out on a great market and right about now I'm wishing Fox Soccer Channel or Gol TV had the money and the rights to the CL games b/c ESPN continues to fuck it up.
I'm wondering who has the rights to this Summer's Euro 2008 broadcasts. It's probably ESPN and I'm probably gonna need a shotty to shoot myself in the head to end the frustration this channel continues to bring me.
Oh look another episode of Sportscenter full of shitty hyperboles, slang and similes!
Fuck you ESPN.
Ligers, Griffins, Unicorns and Pigeons
Has anyone ever seen a baby pigeon?
It's always the adults puttering around chasing scraps. I don't think I've ever seen a pigeon nest. Do they exist?
Are baby pigeons mythical creatures like Ligers, Griffins and Unicorns?
Do they have special powers?
It's always the adults puttering around chasing scraps. I don't think I've ever seen a pigeon nest. Do they exist?
Are baby pigeons mythical creatures like Ligers, Griffins and Unicorns?
Do they have special powers?
Friday, April 4, 2008
Your Mouth is a Subwoofer
After exiting the 71-L this morning I strolled toward work with a smile on my face (TGIF!), then suddenly I encountered a chronic display plaguing our streets which immediately contorted my face into a disapproving grimace of pain and fatigue.
What was it you ask? Blunt smoking at 8:30 am? Public urination? Panhandling?
Nope. Even worse than the sum of the aforementioned.
It was some knucklehead rapping aloud along with whatever bullshit he was listening to. Jeans falling off his ass (a belt is more about function than form), sloppily strolling and gesticulating to no one in particular.
I've seen it all too often. It hurts my soul more each time...and it vexes me more than an "Everybody Loves Raymond" Marathon. (I mean was it really necessary to give him a sitcom? Really?)
Why do these ostentatious posers always listen to crap music? Why are these guys always so loud when they rap aloud? Is it their way of rebelling? Is the song that hyphy/crunk?
They could at least spit something good like, "It was all a dream/I used to read Word Up magazine..." or "Heard the beat ride out like an ancient mating call/ I can't take it y'all/ I can feel the city breathing...".
But, no. We're left with shit like, "Oh I think they like me/ In my White T" or "What! What! What! What! What!".
Damn. Why do these guys think their mouths are subwoofers blaring the illest lyrics when they're really just orifices spraying hallitosis?
The madness has got to end. I'm taking this to the streets.
What was it you ask? Blunt smoking at 8:30 am? Public urination? Panhandling?
Nope. Even worse than the sum of the aforementioned.
It was some knucklehead rapping aloud along with whatever bullshit he was listening to. Jeans falling off his ass (a belt is more about function than form), sloppily strolling and gesticulating to no one in particular.
I've seen it all too often. It hurts my soul more each time...and it vexes me more than an "Everybody Loves Raymond" Marathon. (I mean was it really necessary to give him a sitcom? Really?)
Why do these ostentatious posers always listen to crap music? Why are these guys always so loud when they rap aloud? Is it their way of rebelling? Is the song that hyphy/crunk?
They could at least spit something good like, "It was all a dream/I used to read Word Up magazine..." or "Heard the beat ride out like an ancient mating call/ I can't take it y'all/ I can feel the city breathing...".
But, no. We're left with shit like, "Oh I think they like me/ In my White T" or "What! What! What! What! What!".
Damn. Why do these guys think their mouths are subwoofers blaring the illest lyrics when they're really just orifices spraying hallitosis?
The madness has got to end. I'm taking this to the streets.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Cash Only
It's all about the greenbacks, what! Yeah, SF is kinda like that. For a "big city" SF doesn't take to kindly to the 21st Century's predilection for ubiquitous credit/debit card use. Most places in my new home are CASH ONLY. Yuck!
And if they do take a card it has to be a Visa or Mastercard (aren't they the same thing anyway?). My lonely Discover card which seemed like such a brilliant idea upon signing up for it (cash back, security, cool sleek black design) has been resigned to the bench or my bedside drawer. It only gets play on the Internet. Here in the tangible daily world it has about as much relevance as lambskin condoms, The Apprentice (no Donald, You're Fired!) or Carrot Top.
Some of my fave haunts like Cassanova in the Mission don't even have a modern cash register. The register at the Uptown on Capp St. looks like a prop from a Spaghetti Western. WTF? I guess you gotta be a cash carrying, pencil thin hipster in the Mission to drink in the Mission, no?
My disgust with money in my pocket is that it burns a hole in said pocket. If its in my pocket now, it won't be much longer. I loathe carrying cash. You can get stuck up and lose a bunch, you can overtip, you have to ask others for change, etc. I'm a card carrier through and through. Hell I'll pull out the debit card for a bar of candy at 7-11 with no shame whatsoever.
So while we're putting bar codes on buildings all over the city (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89271743), why don't we shell out a few more duckets to help us no cash-carrying peeps.
(This is the part of the conversation where you, the environmentally-over PC-San Franciscan says, "Jamaal, less cards means less receipts which means less paper which in turn takes care of OUR Earth. Huzzah!!!!!" I'm sorry but, fuck that.)
And if they do take a card it has to be a Visa or Mastercard (aren't they the same thing anyway?). My lonely Discover card which seemed like such a brilliant idea upon signing up for it (cash back, security, cool sleek black design) has been resigned to the bench or my bedside drawer. It only gets play on the Internet. Here in the tangible daily world it has about as much relevance as lambskin condoms, The Apprentice (no Donald, You're Fired!) or Carrot Top.
Some of my fave haunts like Cassanova in the Mission don't even have a modern cash register. The register at the Uptown on Capp St. looks like a prop from a Spaghetti Western. WTF? I guess you gotta be a cash carrying, pencil thin hipster in the Mission to drink in the Mission, no?
My disgust with money in my pocket is that it burns a hole in said pocket. If its in my pocket now, it won't be much longer. I loathe carrying cash. You can get stuck up and lose a bunch, you can overtip, you have to ask others for change, etc. I'm a card carrier through and through. Hell I'll pull out the debit card for a bar of candy at 7-11 with no shame whatsoever.
So while we're putting bar codes on buildings all over the city (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89271743), why don't we shell out a few more duckets to help us no cash-carrying peeps.
(This is the part of the conversation where you, the environmentally-over PC-San Franciscan says, "Jamaal, less cards means less receipts which means less paper which in turn takes care of OUR Earth. Huzzah!!!!!" I'm sorry but, fuck that.)
La La Land
Took my first trip down to Los Angeles last week. The city of Angels is more like the city of frustration for me. I had some good times and met some good people but I'll give you a brief synopsis of how I feel about L.A.
Traffic, smog, HelLA, excess, drugs, money, sex, rock n roll, status, "What do you do?", social climbing, anonymity (unless you know somebody who knows somebody), fancy cars, long commutes, traffic, overpriced, fast food, no white people on buses, disjointed public transportation, freeways, good food, tackiness, mom's who act like they're their daughters' BFF!, big sunglasses, nice weather, riding shotgun, decent radio stations, In N Out burger everywhere, Hollywood is cheesey, tourists, s p r a w l.
Not saying I wouldn't go back but I'm saying I love SF even more.
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