Beer Pong: The Video Game

Sign of the apocalypse #33: Beer Pong for Nintendo Wii.

Bored Dude #1: "How about we play a virtual game of Beer Pong where we actually drink...in real life?"

Bored Dude #2:"Fuck yeah! Let's get hammered!"

The hilarity: http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20080731/us_time/thewaragainstbeerpong

Fast Food Nation

Have you ever driven through the hood? Have you heard Dave Chappelle jokes about the hood?

"I knew I was in the hood because I looked out the window and I saw a liquor store, gun store, liquor store, gun store..."

Missing from that joke is the abundance of fast food joints found in said hood. If you ever had any questions about Black conspiracy theorists (or conscious rappers) hypothesises that White America equips the "ghetto" with the tools to fail then just go to your closest impoverished area and count the liquor stores and fast food joints, then go to a more affluent area and do the same.

Unfair and unbalanced.

It looks like L.A. is taking a stab at cleaning up their own mess and laying down a moratorium on fast food joints. Atlanta, D.C., Chicago, Bay Area, Richmond, Illadelph, NYC--take note!

The food: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/fast_food_ban

Summertime?

"The coldest Winter I ever spent was a Summer in San Francisco."

That fine quote is attributed to Mark Twain. It may have well been the words of a laughingly omniscient G-O-D because the poignancy/venom of that statement is the unique essence of truth.

This is my first proper Summer in SF as I arrived on September 1st, 2007 (that's right, I'm coming up on my anniversary--no longer a newbie) and I've deduced that it's fucking cold here all year except for September and October. What a coincidence that my first two months here were not only blissful in my inheritance of a new city and all it's playfulness but also the two least suspect months. SF has a climate to make Juneau, Alaska say, "Haha you rich people put up with that shit?!"

Yes, Juneau, unfortunately we do. Wind from the East, Wind from the West, Wind from above, Wind from below. To leave your house in SF without a jacket is not only a sin but also a Deathwish. No need to see Charles Bronson, just go for an hour walk in Havanas sandals without a hoodie and see how your disposition changes throughout that jaunt. I guarantee the words, "Fuck!" and "Damn!" will leave your lips at some point during that period.

The only good thing about this glacial climate is that I get to laugh at clueless tourists who actually do leave their hotels with only a map, sunglasses, bus fare and flip-flops.

The look on their faces when the fog starts to roll in: Priceless. There's nothing like walking by a Touristsicle: freezing cold and clueless, "Is this our stop? I'm cold." Ahh, warms my belly.

So while I endure this test called July, I'm counting down the days till I return to RVA for a visit. 5 whole days in the sun and humidity. I never thought I'd miss the humidity of Richmond but these days it's all I long for. Here's to you East Coast, I'll never doubt your warmth again. Amen.

Where are all the Black People?

Upon moving to SF I definitely asked my friends, "Where are all the Black People?". It's a humorous question and a relevant, serious question at the same time. SF seems like it consists solely of White, Asian and Hispanic populations. Matter of fact, I do get surprised when I see blacks outside of the Tenderloin, Fillmore, Western Addition, Bayview and SoMa--it pains me to say this.

You're probably reading this thinking, "Is he serious?". Most definitely.

If you've been to the Bay Area then you know Dave Chappelle wasn't joking when he observed, "I was wondering where y'all put all the n*&%!s, then I went over that bridge...Welcome to Oakland bitch!"

Apparently the reverse diaspora of blacks leaving urban areas isn't just an anomaly of the Bay Area: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB121642866373567057.html

Gavin Newsom has a great quote in the opening. California Soul?

This Sidewalk Isn't Big Enough for the 3 of Us

San Francisco is a very walkable city. We pride ourselves in our cyclists/pedestrian-friendly ways. So much so that we have utter disdain for cars and their drivers. We often abuse the "yield for pedestrian" laws with reckless ambivalence.


Between the shuffling homeless dudes pushing carts full of everything (and I mean everything) and the oblivious tourists bopping to their iPods, jaywalking and sloooowww street crossings are a common occurrence. If you're a driver it's a recipe for a huge ol' plate of Road Rage.


As a transplant from VA, where i used to mash on the motorway and was full of more road rage than Michael Douglas in "Falling Down", I was happy to relinquish my car upon moving here. My commutes now consists of walking, riding buses, BART and MUNI trains. It's a relief in all senses of the word. I get a little exercise, the world moves a little slower and I'm less stressed...usually.


But the way of the pedestrian is not all puppy dogs and ice cream. I still get pissed from time to time. My gripes range from "people don't know how to walk" to "the sidewalks are too narrow".

Now let's go back to that first quote: What do you mean "People don't know how to walk"? People in SF (especially tourists) have no concept of personal space. They walk the streets aimlessly looking around as if they're waiting for the sky to collapse on their heads. In doing so, they completely ignore the fact that I'm walking behind them, motivated with a place to be and a time to be there.


A reoccuring example of this is on the escalators where people don't understand that escalators are like freeways: the right is the slow lane, the left is the passing lane. Simple shit right? Not here apparently. In London or NYC they'd verbally castrate stragglers on the left who prevent you from making it to your train. But we're nice here. It's SF. We deal out polite, "excuse me's" instead.


The escalators can be the pitts but the true vexation lies in my neighborhood streets. I live in Glen Park which neighbors Noe Valley to the south and thus has a similar demographic of residents: Young couples with babies. Yes, my neighborhood is mostly prams and mom's circumventing the 'hood doing whatever it is they do.

***

What's beef? Beef is when you're trying to get past a mom with a kid in a stroller and a kid holding her hand; hogging the sidewalk worse than a Hummer in an Eastern European back alley. I can't even count the number of times I've been walked off a sidewalk or even worse, almost mowed down by a mom's stroller.



What gets me even more heated is the fact that the parents and kids have this attitude like we owe them the sidewalk. Like we should have no qualms about climbing a fucking tree so they can get past. Why should I roll out the red carpet for them to pass on by?


This predicament often puts me in a sticky situation: Do i take the moral high road--step aside or do i just put my shoulder down like Earl Campbell and plow through some families? Obviously I take the high road and do my best matador impersonation. But if i could, man...bad, dark things would transpire.

Have you ever seen anyone punt an infant and then throw a stroller at a pregnant lady?


And these parents, these fucking parents are the worst because they don't even acknowledge your efforts to dodge them. They're so into little Trevor and Jackson that they don't even say "hi" or better yet "excuse me". They just roll past you like you were a cobweb in an attic.


I haven't figured it out just yet but I'm gonna take my sidewalk back. Yeah...know dat.

Cristiano Ronaldo in LA!

It's a varitable right of passage for any young starlet--You go to Los Angeles for some event, you go to the clubs and watch the paparazzi madness ensue.

Our young C-Ron just happened to be in La-La Land this week for ESPN's Espy Awards. While in Hollywood Cristiano took in some bottle service at Villa with his entourage and guess who happened to stop by...wait for it, wait for it...Paris Hilton. Yes! Paris herself was seen hitting on our favorite Eurotrash footballer.

Even better then the sheer velocity of these two worlds colliding (and the seeming inevitability of sloppy club makeout sessions) was the fact that C-Ron showed no amusement with Paris' flirtations.

I imagine him asking someone (in Portuguese), "How do you say 'Keep your stank pussy away from me' in English?" I don't know how to say that but I imagine a form of the words "culo" and "puta" somewhere in there.

The recounts of this top night out by the innocent bystanders are quite hilarious and ego-rific.

The good, the bad, the ugly:

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/topstories/2008/07/17/cristiano-ronaldo-snubs-paris-hilton-on-10k-night-of-booze-and-dancing-in-los-angeles-89520-20651635/

Hater in the City

Regular readers of my blog will notice that I love to get my hate on in these pages. I call it criticism but admittedly...sometimes I do love to hate.

Is it because I demand more from the world around me? Is it because I'm unhappy with my current position in life? Is it because I find humor in the weirdness and nadir of modern society?

You be the judge.

I'm just talking. Putting opinions out there like free lollipops for you to take and enjoy. I'm not perfect but neither is the environment I exist in. Plus, it's all shits and giggles anyway.

In the words of Dave Chappelle as Silky Johnson, "Aw hate hate hate, hate hate hate hate hate."

Enough of the PSA. Shall we do a list?!

Signs SF Summers are Too Cold:

-"Ooooh! Leather bomber jackets are on sale! I'll take two!"
-Flip-flops=red feet
-"No, no that's fog not smog."
-Scarves because they're a necessity not an accessory.
-"I'm thinking of letting my hair grow for the Summer. Ya know extra insulation."
-The SF Polar Bear dive is in July.
-Dogs and owners wearing matching sweaters.

A Note to Men's Magazine Editors

Quit it. Just stop son, stop. Enough. Basta!

There is no need to keep having photo spreads with the hottt hotties in scantily clad clothes sitting or stretching or poutily posing in a diner next to a half eaten burger and greasy, ketchupy fries.

The juxtapostion never worked for the viewers and it will never work.

Is it supposed to be ironic? "Ahh irony!" Or is it just moronic?

Yeah, I know it's playing up the "I look like this but I eat this and I CAN GET AWAY WITH IT" angle. But it's not cute. Quit it. It stinks.

Hater out.

The Fist-Bump Heard Round the World

Obama Drama. If my man wins it's gonna be a very controversial four years to come.

It looks like the New Yorker is dragging the saga over the "terrorist fist-bump" further and further into the muck. A lot of people are gonna miss the joke when they peep this magazine cover.

Bad move, New Yorker, bad move. Obamaphobia!

The goods: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/07/14/politics/politico/main4257077.shtml?source=mostpop_story

A Judas in our midst?

The ongoing saga of where Cristiano Ronaldo will play his club football next year is coming to a head.

After brash statements today in which C-Ron agreed with Fifa President/Idiot with a mic--Sepp Blatter in his sentiments describing the modern footballer as a "slave to his club", it seems that Manchester United's brightest star will become part of Real Madrid's galaxy.

And I thought the Era of the Galacticos was over. Apparently Real Madrid will do anything to sell shirts and flaunt talent.

To a die hard Man U. supporter such as myself, Ronaldo's desire to leave Man U. for Madrid is sheer blasphemy. He's coming off a 42 goal season in which he's likely to garner every award offered (meanwhile there's talk of the eccentric Ballon d'or going to Casillas or Torres--does anyone really respect this award anymore? Remember Cannavaro?). Man U. did the double as a result of his superb efforts last season and yet in true "What have you done for me lately" fashion he's tempted to leave the team and coaching staff that's made him the best player in the world at the moment for uncharted waters in Madrid.

C-Ron is undeniably the Man at Man U. Madrid on the other hand has more pretty boys and egos than a Hard Body contest in the Castro. You know what they say about too many cooks...

This whole saga stinks to high heaven. Although nothing is confirmed and the media likes a story in July, when there's nothing to report on besides where players spent their Holidays and who's returning to training camp overweight, this story does have legs. C-Ron hasn't said that he's staying at Man U. but he has expressed his desire to go to Madrid. So much can be said in what isn't said at all.

What reasons does he have to leave Man U.? Is it because he's done all he's set out to do there? Is it because his mentor Carlos Quieroz is primed to take the helm for Portuguese national team? Is it because his hot Spanish girlfriend prefers home-cooking to the cold Winters in Northern England? Decisions, decisions.

Whatever the factors may be it'll be a shame if That Boy Ronaldo is wearing all white next year in favor of the Red he looks so good in.

Say it ain't so Ronaldo. Say it ain't so.

The funny: http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m269/Eternal_DiZ/Slaveryaldo.gif

The Luckiest Unlucky Man

Imagine having the winning Lottery ticket...then discarding it, then realizing that you have a receipt that validates you as the winner(Huzzah!), then having to wait a year to reap the spoils of your convenience store purchase.

That's this guy's reality: http://www.nypost.com/seven/07102008/news/regionalnews/losers_65m_win_119253.htm

The Best Sandwiches in Town

After a hiatus from eating out at lunch (due to sage thriftiness), I returned to my fave downtown haunt today: 'Wichcraft. This is, in my opinion, the best sandwich place in SF. If you haven't been, go. If you haven't been recently, go. You won't be disappointed.

I've tasted several different sandwiches from 'Wichcraft and the Roasted Turkey with avocado, bacon and aioli on ciabatta is my fave. The soups and desserts are also delicious. Make sure to leave with a Cremewich in your bag to satisfy your sweet tooth--delectable.

The service is fast, efficient and cordial. They even have a punch card for frequent customers (I'm a few notches away from a free sando!).

The ambiance is more that of an open bistro (high ceilings and columns instead of walls) rather than a sandwich joint. Even further justification for a visit is that it's owned by Tom Colicchio of "Top Chef" fame. 'Nuff said.

Wichcraft is a definite destination and soon to be institution amidst the hussle of downtown SF.

The goods: http://www.wichcraftnyc.com/

Spying on Us

The Gubment decided to continue its unjustifiable spying on us. What else is new you might ask?

I especially love the quote saying, "The bill will keep us safe and protect our liberties."

What liberties?

The news: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=92383286

How We're Spending Our Independence Day

-At the hospital, embarrased. Fireworks. Nuff said.

-Running through the streets, naked, except for that beautiful rag we call the "Stars and Stripes" tied around your neck like a cape.

-Budweiser in your right hand, Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" blaring out of your mouth.

-Racing your friend's black Camaro with your red Mustang convertible named "Sally". The only winner in the end is the Fuzz.

-Baseball game, too many hot dogs, sunglasses, sweat, kids, cotton candy, fireworks.

-Drinking "WMD's" and Hard Lemonade at the lake house with dudes you thought you knew.

-Extinguishing fires from unwatched grills.

-Stuck in traffic.

-Drunk.

-Nursing a pulled hammy from the family Softball game. At least you went 2-3 with 2 RBIs.

-Watching "Independence Day" and saying, "Damn, Will Smith has come a looooong way! Where's Bill Pullman these days?"

Essential Reading

"The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao" by Junot Diaz won the Pulitzer for Fiction for a reason.

It's everything...and everything.

Truly inspirational.

BumRush

Along with being Reason #27 why the Terrorists Hate us, Rush Limbaugh is a loud-mouthed, wind-bag full of fabrications and devoid of worth. Media juggernaut Clear Channel thought that ol' Rush is worth a 9 figure contract extension.

The fact that he'll make more than A-Rod for yapping right-wing bullshit and popping oxycontin like tic tacs more than chuffs my ass. So this is what it's come to America? Really?

Imus still has a job in front of a microphone after his second racist comment in the last year and now this clown gets an extension? This is some diabolical crap.

Happy July 4th suckas! Canada is beginning to look sexier and sexier.

The bad news: http://omg.yahoo.com/news/radio-host-limbaugh-talkin-big-payday/10412?nc

Hi-Fi

I'm currently watching High Fidelity starring John Cusack and Jack Black and (don't forget) Lisa Bonet. Damn, I forgot how good this film is! It's like a fine wine--it gets better with age.

At first I didn't get it. I thought it was just one big sob story (get over yourself Cusack!). I couldn't wrap my head around it because I hadn't suffered that kind of heartbreak yet (It came out in 2000). I'd been hurt but it was on some high school "I can't date you becuase you're black" or "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" type bullshit. Even though I'm a hopeless romantic, those scars heal.

I was never and still am not the "date around" type. As my former roommate put it, "Jamaal, you're a serial monogamist". I couldn't have said it any better. I am what I am. I is what I is. Hate it or love it.

Anyways, High Fidelity makes sense now. It makes perfect sense to me now. Not because I'm jaded (I'm very much in love thank you). I guess I just grew up. I still laugh at fart jokes but I can also wrap my head around more than pre-processed, watered down satirical wit, you feel me?

And they break down the 4th wall. Damn I love it when they break down the 4th wall!

Enough banter, on with the list:

Fave Lines from "High Fidelity":

-"Look at you, you're wearing a Cosby sweater. A Cosssssby Sweater!"

-"We were going to be called Kathleen Turner Overdrive..."

-"I wanna live with a musician. I wanna have a picture of myself in the liner notes"

-"It wasn't spectacular either. It was just...good. But, really good."

-"It was a sneaky lawyer's trick, and I fell for it...because she's much smarter than me."

Celebrity Watch

After being in NYC, SF and SoCal in the course of week I naturally ran into a few celebs amidst my travels. Here's the low:

-DJ Steve Aoki--Seen getting into a cab at JFK in NYC. No where near as hot as his sister.

-Mary Louise Parker (aka Nancy Botwin)--walked by me, incognito stylee on her mobile in Disneyland just before the Saturday night fireworks. I've never seen eyes so big.

-G. Love--"This is my friend Gary." Yeah I met Mr. Special Sauce in a bar in the Meatpacking District in NYC. Very cordial, cool guy.

Do you know how to cut Black Hair?

Since I cut my locks back in February I've been on the hunt for an adequate barber in SF. Someone that does a solid job and doesn't put my wallet in the figure four leg lock while doing so.

I have a go-to-girl for faux hawks in the Castro but I've been in need of a no-nonsense guy to handle the basic black man haircut maintenance (i.e.--shape ups, fades and line-ups). After going the budget route in various neighborhoods I admitted defeat and dissatisfaction. I realized there was only one answer in SF: I need to go to the Fillmore and get a man of color to do it right.

But how would I find the right barbershop?

I consulted www.yelp.com naturally and was somewhat nonplussed that all the black barbershops (2 of them) only had a handful of Yelp reviews. I guess black dudes don't do Yelp reviews.

I made my way to one of the chain barber shops in the Western Additon yesterday and was satisfied with my line up. Only $10 and no fuss while waiting patiently. It seems that my search has ended. I was contemplating heading to Oakland simply for a 10 min. cut but alas I have found my barber. I am comforted. I have found solace.

The One and Only

A couple of Summers ago I said that I was gonna curb my Netflix queue so that I could watch all of Spike Lee's films. I never completed the task but I unearthed some gems that I had slept on: "She Hate Me", "Mo Better Blues" and "Girl 6" among them.

My parents never got babysitters for me so I saw all of those Spike Lee classics that, debateably, a pre-teen shouldn't see. Yeah I saw the "bonin" on the desk in "Jungle Fever". Mmmmmookie in "Do the Right Thing". And Denzel floating along while "whooah ooo whoah, change gon' come" played in the background in "Malcolm X".

I'll never forget sitting in the backseat of the Accord after Malcolm X, full of energy after sitting still for three hours, ready to talk talk talk only to be met with discerning silence by my parents.

I didn't grasp the concepts in that film completely at the time, but I knew that they were heavier than anything I'd fathomed to that point of my life. Later, when I revisited the film in my adulthood it all clicked. The gravity of it all created one of those seminal moments in my life. Most of Spike Lee's films are like that for me. He may not kill it at the box office but he always challenges us to think about ourselves and laugh at ourselves. A true auteur, leader and revolutionary.

The goods: http://www.okayplayer.com/content/view/5938/60/