I woke up a bit jaded today. Maybe its the fact that this is my 12th straight day of work. Maybe its the fact that I'm unmotivated and lacking passion in my day to day at the moment. Whatever it is I need to set aside some time to provide an outlet. I have some story ideas--just need to do the damn thing. How people find time to work 40+hrs. a week and still produce books/screenplays is amazing to me. Just need to do it.
I'm finding it difficult to relate to people around me these days. Living in one of the most expensive places in the country creates a huge gap between the haves and have nots. The haves don't realize this. How can I relate to a Marin County housewife who's always had it good or a Berkeley Hills workaholic that eats $100 dinners on the reg? Answer: I can't and I don't. This city is too fucking expensive.
I have some friends here, but only a handful I'm close with. Occasionally that gets me a bit twisted inside. Having to reach across the country for someone who knows you gets old. But, within that melancholy is something sweet. Something poetic. Something I enjoy. Pained victory. In a world where everyone is so connected I like dropping off the map at times. I wonder how I can enjoy people and simultaneously want to be a recluse.
I find myself holding back alot for one reason or another. Sometimes i get paralyzed by the fear of going broke--i have my dad to thank for that one. Sometimes its the reluctance to trust new people. Funny how the little things that get instilled in you are so difficult to eschew in adulthood.
I have to remind myself that I've come this far and even though i'm almost 30 i never had a linear plan. I look at other people's corporate success with slight jealousy yet realize that I have more freedoms than most.
Have you ever thought about our society's quest to jam in as many superfluous things as possible? We're always told that we must be doing something prosperous in order to have valuation.
The meritocracy aspect of our country is hypocritical. I'm not one for desperate competition--stepping on heads along the way. Social climbing. I just see our society getting more selfish by the day. It disturbs me and I feel distant. People don't even speak to each other on the street anymore. How many times do you make eye to eye contact with someone on the daily?
2 comments:
Good reading this post. As someone who hasn't been in one place for more than 10 days straight for over 2 years now I thought I was alone with the whole "reclusive vs. inclusive" debate in my head. you've shown me that there are many of us only most of us are simply on the go in one place away from home
living in nyc, brooklyn, another expensive place to live in this country..i feel and think the same exact thoughts. the haves and have nots, and frankly it pisses me off. yet it makes me delve deeper into what truly makes me happy, my art and realizing my true self. I don't need to step on people's heads to make it, most do. We are a dying breed.
Post a Comment