RVA...where we don't play

This is for anyone who lives in Richmond, Virginia, has ever lived in Richmond, has ever visited Richmond, ever plans to visit Richmond, knows anyone who already lives in Richmond, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Richmond .

Richmond is composed mostly of one-way streets and many have huge, high bridges that are there just to improve the view. The only way to get out of downtown Richmond is to turn around and start over when you reach Raleigh, North Carolina.

All directions start with, "Go down the Expressway" and include the phrase, "When you see the big church." except in Henrico County, where all directions begin with, "Go to the Waffle House."

Richmonders only know their way to work and their way home, and the way to at least two different Ukrop's stores. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you over to the Expressway.

Richmond was the Capital of the Confederacy. Many people think it still is. If you can find Monument Avenue, you will know which direction you are traveling, because all the monuments to the heroes of the War Between the States are facing north. (They're ready for the next invasion of those heathen Yankees)

There's never a crowd at Richmond International Airport, even at Thanksgiving or Christmas, but you can't go anywhere directly from there. You have to go to Charlotte first. Otherwise, it's a lovely place to spend an afternoon.

Morning rush hour is from 7:00 to 8:30 AM. The evening rush hour is from 4:00 to 5:30 PM except on Friday, when rush hour starts at 3:00 and lasts until 5:00 PM. By then, everyone is already at home.

Only a native of Richmond can pronounce Powhite Parkway correctly, so don't try. People will simply tilt their heads to the left and stare at you. Actually, even the natives have several different pronunciations, so don't worry about it.

Natives also refer to "the Nickel Bridge," or "the Dime Bridge," depending on how old they are. In any case, the toll at that bridge has been twenty five cents for years now, and was just recently raised to fifty cents. If you want people to think you know what you are talking about, just mention "the Nickel Bridge."

One raindrop falling causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week.

Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper and beer.

The speed limit in most of Richmond is 45 mph. However, most people drive at approximately 30 mph. No one in Richmond is ever in a hurry to get anywhere, and when traffic lights change, no one moves for a few minutes. Don't get impatient and toot your horn to wake up the driver of the car in front of you at the light, because that will only cause every driver in the vicinity to wait even longer before going forward. This is no lie. In Richmond, no one knows what the car horn is for. Don't toot yours.

Also, when you are trying to enter a main road from a side street, be patient. No one will move to the farthest lane or slow down to let you in. In fact, this may be the only time some Richmonders will drive faster than 30 mph.

You know you are in the "Real South" because the directional markers on highways will be marked East and West but you will be going North or South. The locals don't worry about such things, because they identify their location by buildings or where their friends live. The building they tell you to look for may have been torn down 40 years ago, but locals know where it was, and that's good enough.

Also, you need to know where you live when you need a repairman for anything, because if you live "on the South Side," no servic e people or repairmen will travel there to work for you, even if they have had no work for weeks. If you live in the West End, or in "the Fan," those same service and repair people will double charge you. That makes up for their lack of willingness to travel to the "South Side."

Never buy a ladder or mattress in Richmond. Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Virginia. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Virginia, along with a couple no one has seen before.

If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites.

If you notice a vine trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape before you are completely captured and covered with Kudzu, another ill-advised "import," like the Carp, Starling, English Sparrow, and other 'exotic wonders'.

"Fixinto" is one word (I'm fixinto go to the store).

Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2 years old.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

"Momma-nem" means: How's Mother and all of the other children and other members of the family doing.